Going through it.

Book writing is slow. It's a lot to think about, articulate and feel. Writing about one of the hardest parts of my life takes a lot mentally and emotionally. And, one your mental and emotional health is complete fucking garbage, it's hard to find the motivation to sit down and write about the hard thing, even though that hard thing turned in to a beautiful thing.

Lack of posts has been for the same reason.

I want to write, I want to sit down and put in the work but even as badly as I want to DO, I still don't have the MOTIVATION to do it. It's this push and pull effect. I have this push to put in the work but I have this pull to stay, sitting on my ass mindlessly scrolling through social media or playing on my phone.

I'm not sure if I need someone to make me sit and put in the work or if a need a day or two alone at home without my husband or my dog as other distractions.

I know I need help with my mental health. I've now in the last week gotten a new family doctor, and an appointment set up in July to talk about my mental health, so the process of hopefully getting some type of help is beginning.

My husband and I have established that I do not know how to regulate my emotions. As a kid any negative emotions are was reprimanded for having/showing negative emotions. At the same time, if I showed an overly positive emotion that was deemed "too much" I was reprimanded for that, too. There was no winning. This is one of my biggest hurdles. I feel everything to such a high degree and my emotions take over everything. It's like the emotions make me freeze. I can only focus on those emotions and I have such a difficult time overcoming them and providing clear, meaningful, intelligent thoughts to try to overcome them. My emotions take control of my life. Follow from the heart but my brain shuts down.

It's been a hard 4 years and things seem to be getting better but in the last month or so it seems like things are going backwards.

We're working on it.

Bitch I Lived / Ashley