How My Mental Health is Impacting My Ability to Write

I'm frozen. Frozen to my bed, frozen to the couch. I need to write. I need to clean. I need to do things that are productive, and yet I sit. Watching TV, scrolling through social media, silently beating myself up for being "lazy" for "not being good enough". I think myself underserving of the opportunity to write my story. I also find my self thinking that I'm underserving of my husband, of my life and of my new lungs.

While it is empowering to sit and put my story to paper it's not a big enough feeling to motivate me to put in the work. The deadline approaches every day and every day I am telling myself that I need to do more. Just 1000 hundred words. If not 1000 than 100. Just do something I am screaming to myself inside and yet the same thing happens. I'm frozen and the cycle repeats itself.

I've been struggling with self motivation for as long as I can remember. I though things would get better when I had my transplant but it almost feels like things have gotten worse. Recent events, the last 4 years or so I've found myself motionless, stagnant, dull.

This opportunity in writing my book that boost of serotonin that I needed only lasted a few months. Occasionally there is a blip, a new boost of go get 'em tiger and just as soon as I had it, it's lost.

Currently, I am sitting at just shy of 25000 words. Not enough. Much of the story is written and yet I'm struggling to finish it. Why? I don't have the answer.

What I need is for someone to tell me to do it. I need someone to force me to put in the work. Like a child being told to clean their room but without as much back talk... well... that's to be determined.

_________________________________________________________________________________

At the end of this month (July) I will be seeing my new family doctor and having my first appointment to talk about my mental health and hopefully start some type of path towards getting the help that I feel like I need, but what that help is I'm unsure.

I am hopefully to be on the path of getting some answers. Do a have ADHD, some form of depression, am I burnt out or is there some type of trauma that is holding me back from doing what I need/want to be doing? There's only one way to find out.

Bitch I Lived